February 28, 2009
WHOOO!Currently feeling contented.
Because i slept like.. 11hours.
More than I ever did in ages.
For like the past few weeks, i'm always dozing off in front of my laptop.
Then waking up at like, 2plus 3plus? Switch off laptop, then continue sleeping, and wake up at 5.15am.
And on wednesday, I actually managed to wake up at 3am. Did some tutorials until 4+ and gave up.
Then slept till 5.15am and got ready for school.
I think my sleeping pattern is screwing myself up.
Because this few days, I'm like on an emotional roller-coaster.
Ranging from damn sad/ sienjp, to damn high.
I think I'm going nuts. XD
I actually cried for the first time, and it's not because of external influences.
Rather, it was more of what I was feeling at that time.
The feeling like you wanna give more, but don't know how to.
And in more ways than one.
Trying to get a group to become a team, but not knowing how.
Watching you slip away from me, while I'm torn inside whether I should do something.
I'm not as dedicated as he is, or can play instruments like the other 'him'.
In this sense, where do I stand? Just a close friend? what chance do i have..
It's really bothering me, because despite what you said, what I'm seeing is so contradictary.
Despite all my excuses and reasonings, it seems like I can't change anything.
On a friend's blog: You don't just stop
Haiz. It sounds eff'ing absurd to me. But I don't know how to solve this enigma.
Continually numb myself with my pathetic excuses, and let it haunt me in the night.
Omg, so drama. Haha.
Hope you never ever have to read this, because stuff typed here, you will never hear it from my mouth.
Then again, why should you?
Even the team thing ain't as easy as it looks.
Like jigsaw puzzles. And how our mindsets and emotions distorts the edges, such that we cant fit together nicely anymore.
"Family without adversity is just untested theory"
How true.. Right now, it seems like our theory seems to be going up in smoke.
I'm not giving up, just disappointed at times.
All those times we spent together last year, and now just one small change, and nothing's like it was.
It seems like a wall is building itself up, starting from when we joined exco.
Perhaps it's just me being stupidly oversensitive. Hopefully I am.
Yet ironically, blogging about stuff I rather not say, but still leaving it open for all to read.
Ain't it a little hypocritical? Or even cowardly, because I dare not say all this shit I'm typing.
Somehow it's easier typing it out, from the sanctuary of my room, compared to outside.
I guess I'm not looking for a solution, but rather letting it all out.
Now it seems like all the things that makes me happy, are just ephemeral.
But ephemeral as it seems, we can make it last for as long as it seems.
Holding on to all the happy things, to balance out all the negativity in my life.
I love running. Because everytime you run, nothing else matters but your breathing, your pace.
Basically, it's just how good you are. Nothing complicated.
If you are good enough, you can last the pace.
And that sense of acheivement when you finish a good run.
In the past few weeks, advanced from lvl 0 to lvl 2.
And surf&run tomorrow, CJ X-country next wednesday.
For the x-cty, it's the first time that i'm taking part in a competition, and i have that confidence that i can do well.
So i will.
Exactly the words i told the 'him' who had faith in me. sign 'u'. :)
So I will run. For him, for bXI, for myself.
And rockafellaV!
Kinda sian initially, but the final few acts redeemed the concert.
So yea, not a wasted trip. :)
Wowhee, spent an hour typing this..
Ah well, shall end off with one of my favourite songs.
Better Luck Next Time- Lifehouse
Sometimes we fall
Ain't nothing new to me
Don't care move on
I must say you gave up for this time now
Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
Watch you wait until you come around
Around
Don't close your eyes
You need to see it all
It's no surprise
That they break you down
Least they won't give you up
Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
Watch you wait until you come around
It's all wonderful
Living happily
To lose it all
Think you have everything
Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
Watch you wait until you come around
Around
Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
Watch you wait until you come around
Around
Posted by :]amu at 12:15 PM
February 22, 2009
Maurice uses judgment to make decisions. He is ruled by his head, not his heart. He is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see him as unemotional. He does have emotions but has no need to express them. He is withdrawn into himself and enjoys being alone.The circumstances when Maurice does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets him mad enough to tell him off, he will not be sorry about it later. He puts a mark in his mind when someone angers him. He keeps track of these marks and when he hits that last mark he will let them know they have gone too far. He is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All his conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. He is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, he has poise.
Maurice will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. He would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, he will show his love by the things he does rather than by the things he says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because he feels his mate should already know. The only exception to this is if he has logically concluded that it is best for his mate to hear him express his love verbally.
Maurice is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to him, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of his sound judgment. He will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. He will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and he will always ask "Is this best for me?"
People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Maurice doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.
Maurice will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Maurice believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.
Maurice will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it!
Because Maurice has sharp needle pointed 'm' and 'n' humps, he has a very sharp mind. He instantly sizes up situations, making instant decisions. He thinks and evaluates circumstances very rapidly. Many people with this type of mind are geniuses, thus he may be seen as highly intelligent. Maurice is often irritated by slow talkers or slow thinkers. If he drives, he gets irritated by slow drivers in the fast lane. He quickly becomes bored when being taught on the level of the slowest student in class. He may be on problem number three when the rest of the class is on problem one. Maurice is curious and very active. In fact, in school he might have been a trouble maker because he thought so much faster than the other kids, he finished his work first, thus having plenty of time on his hands to make trouble!
Maurice's true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Maurice that he wasn't a great and beautiful person, and he believed them. Maurice also has a fear that he might fail if he takes large risks. Therefore he resists setting his goals too high, risking failure. He doesn't have the internal confidence that frees him to take risks and chance failure. Maurice is capable of accomplishing much more than he is presently achieving. All this relates to his self-esteem. Maurice's self-concept is artificially low. Maurice will stay in a bad situation much too long... why? Because he is afraid that if he makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Maurice to plan too far into the future. He kind of takes things on a day to day basis. He may tell you his dreams but he is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud he speaks, look at his actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Maurice is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.
Maurice is very self-sufficient. He is trying not to need anyone. He is capable of making it on his own. He probably wants and enjoys people, but he doesn't "need" them. He can be a loner.
Maurice is having a lack of physical energy at the time this handwriting was written. If someone has very short and straight down lower loops (like in the y or g), this indicates this person's physical drive (activity or sex) is compromised. Usually, this indicates the person simply isn't interested in getting too physical right now. This could be a temporary mood which often happens when the body is sick and is healing. Or, this could be a result of an emotional or physical issue that is effecting Maurice 's energy level and interest in sex. Sex doesn't seem to be a priority at the moment.
Posted by :]amu at 8:30 PM
I was searching "fundamentalist" on Dictionary.com.And saw a link, and a few links away, i found this:
Christian writer A.W. Tozer wrote:
'True faith is never found alone;
it is always accompanied by expectations.
Real faith is not the stuff dreams are made of or something created by man to compensate for his own insecurity;
rather it is tough, practical and altogether realistic.
----
In the words of St Augustine:
Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.
Just thought it was rather interesting.
Thought i don't think it makes much difference to me, given my agnostic mindset.
Surf & Run!
CJ X-Country!
all that's left to do is run. :D (Love Story- TS)
Tutorials! ><
Posted by :]amu at 4:05 PM
February 17, 2009
I know i'm probably wasting time that i do not have by doing this post.But i just gotta let it out.
How can something that is so obviously right, feel so wrong.
I feel like i've been thrust into the limelight, somewhere i'm so not comfortable with.
All the while, I've been a part of something, and try my bestest to that something as best as i can.
Now i've been given the chance to make things happen.
I must admit, in the beginning, there was a bit of eagerness.
But now, not so sure.
Because it's like, it does not seem to fit well with everyone.
Eventually will it all be worth it?
Hate the way how everyone seems to take everything at face value.
Why can't one just try to stop and think for a moment.
Knowing this, it's not as if i'm faultless as well.
I understand that we are all selfish by nature.
On my own part, knowing it, and going to try do something about it.
No one sees me crack, sees me stumble.
Because i'm going to continually patch myself up.
Pick up and move on.
I know eventually I will be grateful for experiences like this, but I just don't see it now.
Somehow this kinda helped me see something about myself.
Valentine's just over, what does it really mean to me?
For like twice, waited with tinny anticipation that it would have been different.
But always up in smoke.
However, I realize now, that i've been looking for the wrong thing.
I'm not looking for someone to love.
I'm just looking for someone whom I can share my heart with.
The difference is that, the latter is selfish. As am I.
Because I realize that I'm searching for something I know nuts about.
So it seems that I still can't escape my inherent nature.
I make my own destiny, answerable to my own actions.
Trying to make the best out of everything i do.
No idea why this song came to my head.
But here goes..
Back to reality then..
Lifehouse- Fairy Tales and Castles.
He sighs and looks in the mirror
He can't tell anymore
Who he really is and who they believe him to be
And he sighs and walks in a thin line
Between what is and what could be
He's getting closer
To something he can't understand
Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
And there was nothing there
And now it's a long way down
Cause on and on and on he goes dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand
He sighs his head is filled with
Cartoons and fairy tales
And he's trapped inside a dungeon of dolls
With smiles on their faces
He's built a pretty cage
Hit shows on a beautiful stage
With candy coated prison bars
And chains that look like jewelry
Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
And there was nothing there
And now it's a long way down
Cause on and on and on he goes dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand
Cause he lives inside
Of fairy tails and castle lands
And there's room inside
For false expectations and illusions
Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
And there was nothing there
And now it's a long way down
It's a long way down
Cause on and on and on he goes dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand
Cause on and on and on he goes dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand
Cause on and on and on he goes dancing on the grave
Of what he thought was still alive
On and on and on he goes
Dancing in mansions made of twigs
And castles made of sand
Posted by :]amu at 4:51 AM
February 16, 2009
Sleeping with the lights on, - Busted
new theme song.
that's my life. hahas.
odac odac odac.
where everything seems al'rite, when it's not the case.
but what the hell, we've been through worse before.
actually had 2 other drafts. but never finished typing, because i'll just end up stoning.
rawr.
who will come protect my sanity.
where's that semblance of serenity.
like a dog chasing its own tail.
ranting, shall stop now.
><
run away, run away, like a prodigal..
Posted by :]amu at 4:53 AM
February 6, 2009
Sometimes it's really hard to even be human.It's like in human nature to immediately jump to the worst conclusions when stuff happens.
It's like.. why give yourself all that unnecessary pressure?
Why that obsession with those grey areas?
You just find never-ending questions, which serves no purposes other than to foul up your moods even more..
Vocalizing confidence = cocky as well.. Well, I'd never..
So much for 'sometimes feelings need to be vocalized to accept them'.
For all the ambiguities and hypocrisies of life..
Feeling ranty, one of those bouts of melancholiness.
Last 2 days!
What needs to be said has been said, shan't say more, lest i come across at cocky again.
No offense intended whatsover; i actually appreciate frankness.
I'm just being weary of all these behavourial traps.
Somehow this week seems to pass faster than usual.
What with all intensives, and final preparations.
The tears and sweat of those before.
May the latent meaning of that strike us, and give us strength to bring our shield home.
For cj, for odac, for bXI. ((:
Easy to be who you are when no one knows your name..
Posted by :]amu at 11:30 PM
February 1, 2009
RAWR. A WEEK LEFT!I guess i like this kind of team trainings better, than everyone climbing together..
There's this more tangible sense of purpose.
Or maybe it's just due to the proximity of the competition itself.
Faster! Swifter! Steady ON!
Hahas. GOGOGO CJODAC! :DD
Tutorials are so-so.
The online Chemistry test was a killer, not particularly sanguine about it.
Still 一知半解 about differentials. Some can do, some cannot.
Bleh, its a vicious cycle. :S
I find that I get euphoric on mass PE.
I think you are probably thinking that i'm nuts.
'Cause i think i am too. Heex.
But found out that i still have a lot of catching up to do, to be on par for cj x-country.
Goals and aims for Feb and March are getting clearer. Hahas.
Gotta factor in some academics too. ><
Oh, time trials too.
2.4, hit previous p.b of 9. Still cant break 9.
and tp stairs too.
But other than that, school's usual.
Routinely unremarkable ._.
Never-ending tutorials and lectures.
Gotta learn how to connect&transfer; starting to understand the inherent meaning of that. :D Let's go try tackling those tutorial questions again! heex.
CJ's gonna get crowded again tomorrow!
Welcome the J1s! :D
it gets hard sometimes
being this close, but not being able to expect more.
but knowing how you feel about us now
i guess it kinda hit me that it's enough for me. for now.
cant relinquish my feelings, but least its a compromise.
just wanna see you happy
my eternal sunshine. thank you. =)
